Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Last night, I went to bed about two hours earlier than usual. I was so tired. I'm going to bed, I told Jared. I'll miss you, he said. Later, Beren came upstairs and flopped down in the bed next to me. In the dark, he exhaled a loud sigh and gripped his forehead. Momma, he said seriously, I can't build anymore with Lego. No? I mumbled. I am out of all my good pieces, he said. 

It is nice to be so important to my menfolk.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

What will happen to love?

Sitting at the kitchen island, snacking on corn chips, and Jared's delicious green salsa. Beren holds up a heart shaped chip. "I won't eat it," he says as he puts it back into the bag. "What will happen to love?" He asks. 

If I could tell the story many ways, I would write about how good Jared's salsa is, how well its texture survived freezing, how glad I am that he found the biggest chest freezer that could just fit through the basement door and around the corner, and that he could do the math to make it happen so we could defrost and enjoy his salsa all winter. And, that my Dad spent the day in the basement installing an outlet for the freezer, and that we all were upstairs, sick while he did it, and of course, he also installed two more bulb sockets because the basement was so dim, just because he thought it was a good idea, and he asked via my Mom how I liked the bulb over by my washing machine. And that, yes, of course, it is very nice to not use the clip lamp anymore to plumb the dark pit of the washer looking for one lost sock.

"What will happen to love?" the kid asks. "It will be inside you," I say. I think about how perfect life can be within little minutes.

But I will let someone else have the last word. "What will happen to love?"

Friday, November 17, 2017

Koko Taylor Speaks the Truth to Parents



Songs come unbidden to my head or lips at times. Uncanny, like a dream.

Last week, I picked up a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish at the library. This is my third or so perusal through this classic book on family communication.

Each time I pick up this book, published thirty years ago, I feel like someone is giving me a hug and gift and a monumental task all at the same time. Most times, I skip ahead to the section I need the most, or thumb through book and read the cartoons scattered throughout.

With over 300 pages to potentially read, I am glad that someone figured out that pictures with dialogue are really helpful for busy parents. For the deeply hidden girly girl in me, the book includes questionnaires. Just like Seventeen magazine had when I was a girl!

I am not a big fan of self-help type books. Many seem like they could have saved a few plantations of pulpwood and simply been published as a pamphlet. Some seem too simply written and lack real blood and meat, so I skip the author's ponderous philosophy and (to me) dubious references/cited studies/experiential claims and read their client's case histories instead. There, I can get a dose of:
1.) Holy crap, is this book describing my family? And, I just can't see it? Or, can I see it? Are we this bad?!?!?
2.) Holy crap, are we headed this direction if we don't follow this self-help program?
3.) Holy crap, these people have problems.

Some self-help books are really aggravating, often because I find their premise or approach problematic. Other times, I find the book annoying because I stubbornly refuse to be put in a psychological box.

But, shoot, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, I like this one. Today, I leafed through the book, read a chapter introduction, a few cartoons, and a took a quiz or two. I snorted with laughter and accepted my hug from authors Adele and Elaine.

Yes, I choose to accept this mission of improved communication in the home. Ladies, please don't let this book self-destruct in five seconds*. Because remember way back at the beginning of this writing when I mentioned uncanny song lyrics popping into my head?

When I saw the copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, blues singer Koko Taylor howled this in my head:



"Save me, save me, save me, babe!"

Monday, November 13, 2017

"You must have learned something!"

"What did you learn in school today?"

Chart your feelings as I ask you this question. Remove the words "in school" if you must. Remember back when you were asked this question.

I do not remember anyone asking me this, but I bet someone, at least once, did. Awful question. Ranks with "Where were you last night?" (interrogator could be anyone from a romantic interest to a police officer) or "Do you know why I pulled you over? (might be ok from a romantic interest, definitely worrisome coming from a police officer).

As a child, my answer would probably begin with assuming a pigeon toe position, maybe biting my hangnails, and looking up and to the right, then left, then down, as I searched my rapidly firing brain. Someone interested in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) would  have studied my roller coaster eyes intently.

Uh... I don't know.

"You must have learned something!"

Saturday, November 11, 2017

I don't know where my phone is

Listening to pop hits while doing dishes, I misheard the following Nelly Furtado lyric:

I'm like a bird
I'll only fly away
I don't know where my phone is
I don't know where my home is

Thursday, November 9, 2017

This Cat Ended this Writing Because He Needed to Be Let Out of the House


In addition to Alone Time and Change of Pace, there is something known as "Ceaseless Labors" in our  household. Ceaseless Labors is often prefaced by "Will there be an end to these". 

I have a fine recent example of Ceaseless Labors. After a round of tasks, I sat down to talk with my mother on the phone. My rear hit the seat, and the cat began to scratch at the door. "I just sat down," I said into the phone, "and the cat is scratching at the door." My mother laughed.

Ceaseless Labors carries a fertile seed of truth as found in the adage "A woman's work is never done." It is true. Didn't I just buy flea repellant for the cat? How could the supply be out already? Well, three months have passed. Oh my word, the premium for the insurance, the balance for the credit card, the electric, wifi, trash, or car loan bill is due TOMORROW and can I sneak in a payment? Beren has grown out of his socks, shoes, or winter coat...already? 

Ceaseless Labors is a way I (and Jared, and even Beren) can gripe about dull household tasks and business related ones, too (the dryer buzzer just went off. Will there be an end to these, well, you know). It is away for me to acknowledge my work on behalf of the household with a bit of humor and at times, an inevitable touch of bitterness. And depending on my mood, that touch of bitterness can be a big sloppy, dripping, glob of bitterness with a poisonous life of its own.

Ceaseless Labors also acknowledges the mother as martyr, another poisonous blob with a fertile seed of truth. The why do I have to do everything feeling, or maybe it is reality depending on the household. I don't see my husband retiring from glueing, hammering, or sharpening knives anytime soon. I bet he's not too happy about some of his own Ceaseless Labors, but this I can only sometimes guess. 

This is a good conversation for couples to have, I think. In the past, my bringing up of household chores was often met with defensiveness, which means two things and possibly more: I need to be more empathetic, more strategic, and more willing to ask for exactly the type of help I want. I really, really wanted to talk about my expectations, frustrations and boredom. I really wanted to be heard. 

If I could start with one request, it might be that chores be less ad hoc and more organized. To that end, our Nightly Clean Up has been a big household-wide success. Oh and another request...

***

A few weeks ago, Jared or I mentioned something about a mealtime task, and Beren exploded with a theatrical "Oh, no, not this again!" Either he's headed for an acting career or Ceaseless Labors martyrdom.

***

*Ceaseless Labors is both a singular and plural concept, therefore readers will find both the singular and plural verbs following Ceasless Labors.


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Family Strategies: Alone Time and Change of Pace

Alone time

When Beren was an infant, Jared and I contrived "solo time". Solo time is exactly as it sounds. One adult alone, no others, and hopefully not even the sounds of others.

As Beren grew, we all came to need what is now known as "alone time", which is exactly as it sounds. Respectfully, if at our individual best, one can request alone time. Or, while in state of disequilibrium, one might be asked by another family member, "Do you need alone time?" Or, another family member might say more forcefully, "I think you need alone time."

All three of us are sick. As unkind as it may sound, I could use some alone time. I am closed up in the office writing. All that stands between me and another human being is a misaligned door that does not lock. It has no lock. Of our interior doors, only our attic door locks.

A locked door can still be knocked on or pounded on or talked through. Knocking, pounding or talking through a locked door may be as disruptive and opening and passing right through an unlockable door.

Nothing stands between me and the call and response of Beren and Jared's staccato coughs. I hear every note. Only the finest nuances of the coughs are blunted by the unlocking door and twelve inch circa 1850s walls that are packed with newspaper, horse hair, rock debris, plaster, and all manner of things I assume are in there and I hope to never meet firsthand.

Beren is in the room immediately adjacent. The woodstove room as we three call it, though Beren recently called it the Lego room. I hear him shuffling through his Legos. They clink together and slide across the floor. He may burst into the office at any moment to show me the latest creation he has made on behalf of Ice Queen, a frosty caped Lego figurine that recently acquired Bird Man's mask (our name not Lego's). Beren has decreed his entire Lego collection be mined for white and clear blocks for Ice Queen's own use. She now has an elaborate and lovely kingdom.

Jared's occupation is quieter. He is on the couch reading. He is covered by blankets. He has been rather sick. He even suggested to Beren that they two could learn a lesson (ha ha! see my previous day's writing) from how I handle a cold, by sleeping all day. He is often quite good about drinking teas and taking herbs, yet less good at slowing the heck down.

Earlier today, we discovered our weekly shopping had occurred eight days ago, and we had only beef and no vegetables for dinner. Or was it lunch? Time has no meaning when you are surviving on herbal teas, ramen, and pretzels and cannot breathe or swallow properly. In short, no one wanted beef.

We went to Bamboo House and ordered soup and noodles. "Still coughing?" the owner asked Beren. "Drink lots of water with honey and lemon." Beren and I had gone there for dinner Sunday night for our other family contrivance which we call "a change of pace"."A change of pace" is usually prefaced by "I need a" or "You could use a" or "We all need a".

"Alone time" and "a change of pace" are so very, so very helpful.

After Bamboo House, we shopped at Kimberton Whole Foods. I left the guys in the truck. When I returned to the truck with our groceries, I opened the door and found the backseat piled with crumpled used tissues. Something about that made me grumpy. Perhaps my alone time had not been long enough and the bleary eyed, mucus-y people that once again faced me did not offer a change of pace from the previous week.

I heard Beren ask for something. I thought I heard Jared say that Beren wanted something sweet to eat. I snapped, "What?!"

"Are you mad?" Jared asked. "No, just talk louder my ears are clogged with fluid from this cold," I grumped, half truthful, half liar.

"Oh, ok, Beren is just looking for something easy to eat," said Jared. "I got berries. I need to go back in and get tissues, if you load the groceries," I replied.

While waiting in line, the cashier remarked, "Back for tissues?" "When I got back to the truck with my groceries and saw my sick family, I realized I forgot to get them." The woman in well-worn Carhartt's in front of me chuckled. I sighed and smiled wistfully.

I have enjoyed this alone time in the office. I need more, and what I really need is a change of pace and for us all to get better.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Cough and Cold Season Begins Halloween 2017

Each one of us applied pur personal touch to being sick. I slept all of yesterday, from which my lesson is always "pause and/or slow down". 

Jared emptied out one tissue box and trailblazed by trying a netti pot which he used a few times long ago. Any lessons learned that I could jot down here would really be my own lessons, or more likely lessons that I wpuld hope Jared would learn one day.

Beren coughed, and groused. He refused to use the beige "nose rags" (cut up old sheets, about tissue sized) because they were ugly. As above on the lessons.

Jared declared that Beren gets sick at Hallowen each year, which means we all ge sick. He would mark the calendar and enforce proper dress on Halloween night 2018. I noted that most children were not dressed according to Hungarian grandparental standards (wool hat, gloves, boots, coat). I added that exposure to cold is not a "germ" in itself. Jared's response was to the affect that he was on his way to being a Hungarian grandparent in decades hence.


Sunday, November 5, 2017

Making Orangeade from Oranges, Gnats from Gnatade


 There is no escape from Gnat Hell. Our neighbors recently had their barn painted. I overheard one painter sum it up this way to his co-worker, "F*cking gnats."

We woke to the sounds of a coughing child this morning. Jared and I had planned on spending morning time together. We looked at each other, "No sh*t," our eyes said to each other.

"I'm hungry," Beren said."There's oranges," I replied. "How about fruit salad?" he said.

I have beginning my mornings outside lately. Once the temperature tops 55 or 60 degrees, bloodthirsty gnats arise to bite exposed skin, especially the forehead and arms.

So today, one of my stops was the everbearing strawberry patch, which sounded like a sweet-tart and good addition to an autumn fruit salad. A balm for my scratchy throat. The patch never really bears in the autumn. No fruits today. Just one this entire fall.

A bit later, Jared made fruit salad with no strawberries. The fruit salad was good. Beren ate all the orange pieces out of it.

All the milky-colored specks are gnats

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Taking Turns

There is that feeling. The one that sneaks up. The feeling of being left behind.

Today, Jared's out at a professional conference for the field that we share. Today, I am at home with a sick child.

Last night, Beren was up past midnight with an earache. He threw up, too. His head hurt, and he begged me to help him. It was wrenching.

Last night, Jared was out with friends. If this sounds bitter, it shouldn't. I go out with friends. Time away is especially important during exhausting times, so long as each one of takes turns. We do. We parent equally, sometimes excessively so.

The night before, Beren was up until 2AM. Beren cried piteously. Every time he lay down, he could breathe. We all lay together. I was twitching. Of course, no one could sleep. I have sometimes wished that Jared would sleep on the couch, so he could be fresh in the morning and able to take on a heavier load the next day. 

Eventually, I took Beren downstairs. We sat on the couch, reading and snacking until we fell asleep. Though bed was more comfortable, we all needed a change of pace.

This morning, I practiced kung fu in the field while Jared went to the conference. It was cold. I washed and hung out our laundry because the next few days will be rainy. I like washing and hanging laundry. I like homemaking. I generally do not like conferences, though I do like the social part. I wish I could surrender. I wish I could sneak away from that sneaky feeling.

I used to look at Jared and wonder how he could accomplish so much. Wonder is truly the right word. I was filled with wonder. How could this be possible? How could he do so much? I pondered if I needed to be better at managing time. Perhaps more inputs, more inspiration? A regular massage? To do lists prioritizing 'me'? Who is that person anyway?

One of the truths of it - mothering is transformative. Overnight metamorphosis that means: Sink or swim, baby. I mean, sink or swim, momma and baby.

I am a completely different person now. Not just my priorities, but also my body, my hormones, my heart. I have to repeat this to myself, just to believe it, though it seems I have lived it long enough to have settled in.

Yet, the world around me just goes on. There are conferences, meetings, consulting jobs, and a child, a home, a husband, a self.

My husband gets it. This summer, he stopped me in the kitchen and told me about how he gets it. How he finally understands what I meant when I used to say I felt as though I was being left behind. He hadn't been able to hear it then, he told me. He had so appreciated our egalitarian relationship that he couldn't hear it then. That he would have gladly taken half of the parenting on, but that's not really how it goes with mothers and fathers. Mothers do more, it is just the way it is, most of the time anyway.

This conversation in the kitchen was so meaningful to me. It set sad and sour feelings free. I wish I could say more, but I hear a sick child had arisen from slumber.

Friday, November 3, 2017

I am giving myself a by tonight. No writing.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Tonight I Sing

When I belt out a love song, and tonight I sang along with INXS' album Kick while I juiced our rotting pear harvest, I hope Jared hears me, I hope he thinks my singing is good. I am singing to him, nobody else.

Halloween

 Unprofessional Self Portrait
 These kids have known each other almost seven years.
 The leaders

Halloween.

Morning. Jared and I were the subjects of a professional photography session. Outdoors at the photographer's home. We had to find native plants for the background and foreground, which was an interesting challenge.

I wore make up. It felt good. My hair behaved. Jared looked good. We looked good in several photos together. One sweet one really made me smile.

Afternoon. Questioned if I would ever begin my 'work week' this week. We got our costumes on. Witch, Ninja, Pirate.

Evening. We met up with several families and their children at a pizzeria. My costume felt hot.

Night. While trick or treating, Beren is selective about houses he approaches. Several homes do not seem quite right, so he skips them. By the end of the night, Jared and/or I no longer need to accompany him to each door. We are still the ones who say, "thank you".

Beren and his friend hold hands once. I was not able to photograph that moment. Instead, I photographed them as the self-proclaimed "leaders".

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Elmo's World and My World

I used 45 minutes of Sesame Street childcare to sort through and hang, fold, or re-box my fall and winter clothes. As I sat down to write, the Elmo's World theme song drifted in form the next room.

I know some families have zero 'screen time'. Once when Beren was sick for the dozenth time last winter, Jared tuned in an old episode of Sesame Street for him. I had mixed feelings. On one hand, up until that point, Beren had really been a zero screen time child.

On the other hand, my zero screen time child is (sorry, kiddo) an incessant groaner when sick. No amount of positive thinking, deep breathing, lavender essential oil, or Rescue Remedy can help me. The groaning ceases while he is read to, but immediately resumes when the story is over.

I have fond memories of my mother putting a cold cloth on my feverish forehead while I watched television. I remember Tetley's tea, Campbell's soup and Ritz crackers. Beren refuses compresses. He refuses most crackers, teas and soups, opting in only for homeopathic sugar pellets. He likes to watch Sesame Street alone, and even asks Jared and I to leave the room. He covers the tablet as we pass by. Only occasionally he asks us to watch with him. And honestly, I enjoy Sesame Street though I never watched it as a child.

So, my child will have fond memories of his mother sneaking away while he was sick. TOday's blog entry was sponsored by the letter "S" for Sesame Street. And with that, I'm done. I hear a miserable voice from the other room, "Momma, Sesame Street is over." Footsteps. Moaning. Kid leaning into my shoulder, moaning. Moaning. Pray for me.